Tonight
Tonight my heart is heavy and sad. It’s Lent. I think that is what my heart is supposed to feel like. In light of the Lenten time I decided to go balls to the wall and give up complaining. Now, this is something that I have purposed in my heart not to do anyway so it should be easy peasy, right? False. Oh, so terribly false. In this time of reflection I’ve come to realize that most of what I do all day long is complain. It may almost never escape my mouth but on the inside I almost never stop.
I complain about the children, I complain about my weight, I complain about the mess, I complain about cleaning up the mess, I complain about my house, my yard, the neighbor’s beagle, I complain about Mister’s complaining, money, other humans, PBS, politics, wars, etc., etc.. I complain all the time. All of it. It makes my heart heavy I do it so much.
By nature, I’m a cynic and a pessimist but I always have hope. In recent months, I have felt my hope bubble diminish and wondered why. When I felt like the Lord was asking me to give up my whining for Lent, I didn’t understand but now I do. My whining is edging out all of the space for hope in my soul. It’s taking over.
My complaints have been formed from my perception of my life and the realization is painful. Most of the time I say and believe that my life is magical. I have an incredible husband, 3 completely stunning children, a beautiful home, amazing friends, lots of family who love me, the list is endless. But still, there are days when reality is a cruel, cruel thing. My goals are not being accomplished.
I am not in school, I am not a doctor. That blows.
What makes it more painful is often times when I get this way I don’t see the other things that are being accomplished in our life. I have 3 healthy babes that we have thus far raised on organic food and attached parenting. Considering where I came from, this is a serious accomplishment. I have a marriage that makes other people want to get married. That is a BIG deal, a really, really big deal. And even though in reality I haven’t truly studied the Bible in over a year I love Jesus, and in return His kindness to me has been immeasurable. He prompted me to give up complaining for Lent and now I know the source of my troubles. His grace is sufficient for everyday and His mercy is truly unceasing.
I love Lent.
Aw, Char, I always see so much humor and hope in your blogging. I’m glad you’re finding a way to hang on to that hope!
…and, no, I haven’t given up blogging for Lent. I’m just swamped.