Glorious in a very specific sense. A II Corinthians 4:17 sense. This momentary light affliction has been working in me an eternal weight of glory. This trying year, 2009 is currently the best and worst in my memory. For the first time in a long time Jesse and I have long term vision. Both of us. Vision. Long-term ones.
Jesse is back in school. He is working toward a film degree from KU. Currently taking classes at our local community college, he plans to transfer when he has reached the maximum. He has worked with a counselor at KU to build a path that will take him to Lawrence, KS in two years. I am so proud of him. He did 4 years of theology, really intense theology. When he was finished with FSM, he knew he wanted a film degree, but the project the 4th year students came to call “that which we do not speak of” chewed him up and spit him out academically for a couple years and now he is back in the game.
Jesse had an impression from the Lord a few months ago that something really wonderful was going to happen in September. Being humans, we figured someone would give us a billion dollars, or half a million Euro, we’re not picky. This past week I had to fill out my job evaluation from the last year. As I answered the questions I cried. A lot. I figured that shouldn’t happen. A year ago I loved me job, with everything in me, loved it. And honestly I still do, but something inside of me has changed. Something inside of me is no longer feeling fulfilled to capacity here (for the record, I have no plans of quitting any time soon). This has happened with nearly every job I’ve held (there is one that outshines the rest, but we’ll get to that later). At the good ol’ bookstore my heart was in it to win it but I was bored. Really, really bored. And there wasn’t something there that held my interest any longer and I couldn’t handle it, so I found another job and quit. Thinking that this would satisfy my soul, I was happy. For two years. Oddly enough, the same amount of time I held my most recent position at the bookstore. 2 years is not a long time to have a job. Really, it isn’t. So in the last few months I’ve thought of and made plans for about 5 new career paths. Homeopathic medicine, Event Coordination, MBA with an emphasis in marketing, executive movie producer and the one (we’ll get back to this).
Over the years the only job that I loved was in a lab. And I mean loved. Abnormally so. Specifically in microbiology, but really, anything in the lab made me happy. From calibrating pipettes to autoclaving old plates to loading up the mini-vidas with a few prepared L. Mono specimens ready for results (if they came back positive, so help me God, in a food lab, that and C+ Staph was the end of the world for food suppliers, oh and E. Coli in ice machines, seriously people, don’t get ice out of vending machines, I beg of you). No matter what the work, I was in love.
What did I really want to be? An M.E., that’s right, I wanted to go to med school to work with dead people, what a dream. Actually, ever since I can remember, I wanted to be doctor, it was the first and last thing I remember wanting to be. But, my life got side-swiped in 10th grade in a way that I would have never expected. Jesus invited me to come away for a season and iron out the dysfunction that had ruled my life. I am simultaneously grateful and loathing of this time. On the one hand I feel that I have wasted valuable time, on the other I know that I would never have the confidence in myself to do what I want to without it. The last 5 years have been an absolute treasure. I can’t say that I would want it any other way.
As Jesse found vision for life I decided that the best thing for us would be if I jumped on board with him. Jesse and his brother Josh plan on starting a production company. The best course of action for me seemed to be getting involved in this. Going to business school so I could run the business side of things while they did the creative stuff. This morphed into the thought of being executive producer since most of my life is already centered around keeping the men in it on task (my sister in law is actually better at this than I am, but she is going to be a teacher). Over the last few weeks I realized that while I would love to support my husband in his ventures I’m much better at this from the marriage side, not the admin side as I can be, well a little bitchy. When I realized this I was super discouraged. Fourth career plan in 4 months down the drain. I had no vision. The Bible tells us that people perish for lack of vision. Perish. For-realsies. And in this last year I have felt myself slipping away. Getting lost in what others say about my strengths and weaknesses, losing my confidence in my abilities and some days drowning in self pity. But then September hit, and a leaf turned over in my life. As I filled out my job evaluation I remembered the longing of my young heart, my love of that smelly analytical laboratory (mmmm, autoclave) and the one thing I counted myself out from time and time again. As I felt this desire awakening once again, I talked to my beloved husband about it and him being amazing, told me to go for it without reservation. I want to be a doctor. I want to go to school for 15 years and spend my weekends reading medical journals. I want to pay off student loans for the rest of my natural life. I want to be in front of a microscope identifying all manner of malady and I want to offer alternatives to harsh medications for people who want it. This has kept me on cloud nine for the last week.
Some may ask, what about Tae? I will be a better mommy than I have been yet with a good goal as part of my life focus. This will force me to overhaul my life and organize and structure it appropriately. I have vision. A good, solid, vision. I truly believe that I will be a better everything (mom, wife, friend, Christian) with this goal before me. And I’ve already began to intercede for the MCAT.
In this past year there have been moments where the only thing we’ve been able to delight ourselves in is the Lord (Tae is included as he is the most amazing gift we’ve ever received). Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourselves in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart.” Jesse and I over the years have both, for one reason or another discounted the desires of our hearts, not realizing that these things came from the Lord. Now after a year of truly delighting in the Lord we have them back, and we’re serious and passionate about them.
Please pray for us, as we are indeed about to both be in school, both have jobs and both have a baby. I know, it’s kind of crazy, but it just wouldn’t be our lives if it wasn’t.